1. |
Intro
01:20
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2. |
Denial
03:28
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I stare in the mirror to remind myself
That I'm not gonna change
I play my guitar by the windowsill
Nothing's gonna change
And my friends don't remember
Why I dropped off the earth
And no one really cares
So I'll just avoid the mess I've made
And drink another tall glass of loneliness
This happiness
and smile to myself
It'll never get as good as this
I can't believe that this happened to me
And neither would she
But I don't think this makes a good story
So I'll keep it to myself
Fuck you let it be
And the days turn into nights
The nights turn into days
My calendar is meaningless
It all turns out the same
So I'll drink a toast to happiness
I'll drink a toast to loneliness
I'll drink a toast to anything
I'll drink a toast to anything
But I'm not in denial
I won't be coming home
Don't ask me these questions
Baby you don't wanna know
But I won't say I'm sorry
I'm not coming clean
One day you will know
The bastard that I wanna be
Hit the side pocket in the corner with the 8 ball
Fill the gullet of a mad dog
With the bad words of a snitch
Surly Sagas sippin on a
Founder's Bourbon soda-water
Tell me no one's listening
and I'll tell you Sam's a bitch
Erick's such an asshole
Rudeboy Keegan's got a master plan
To save the human race
From the dealers of the contraband
But I'll keep getting high
and I trust you'll keep my secrets, dear
I'll tell you that I love you
When I feel the end is getting near
But I'm not in denial
Let's take another hit
Don't think I don't notice
Everything has gone to shit
But I'll leave all your questions
Until another day
Maybe if I wake up sober
I will find something to say
I'm not in denial
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3. |
Satan
04:32
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If Satan was here
Would he whisper in my ear
and make the pain go away
Or would he take one look at me
and have nothing to say?
If Jesus was here
Would he die to make me happy
Like all those mothers say
Or would he be too busy
Defending himself to care?
I care
And I don't mean to put you on the spot
I don't wanna fight you today
If I said I was a bastard
would you clean my feet like Mary Magdalene?
Or would you tell me
"Son, here ya gotta take care of yourself?"
If I said I was an angel
Would you let me walk right up
to the pearly gates of hell
and laugh at all the sinners there
who couldn't tell a lie?
But I don't mean you any disrespect
Ask me any question you wanna know
I wanna know
Why there are still holy books in 2016
Why anyone thinks a picture can make water clean
Why anybody cares about what I did in 12th grade
Or why anybody thinks that love doesn't exist
If you don't like the answers don't ask the questions.
Give up.
If I lived in the Arctic and I had to drink blood
Would I still hate myself?
Or would I shed my skin again
become someone else?
If I moved to a city where everyone asked me
if they’d see me on Sunday
What would I do?
Would I pack my things and leave?
Probably not.
I’d stick around and write a few songs
about how I don’t belong
and how I hate writing songs like this
writing songs for you
I wanna know
Why anyone can think that there is no more magic left
When every day you can see a sunset
and forget about what's next
Why anybody thinks that there is comfort in confessing things
that were never meant to be shared behind a rumor
and a song
If you don't like the answers don't ask the questions.
Give up.
If Satan was here, would he whisper in my ear
and make the pain go away
Or would he take one look at me and walk away?
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4. |
Heart-Shaped Bed
02:57
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You told me that you wanted to lose your virginity
on a heart-shaped bed
That didn’t happen. Are you sad?
Are you in love?
Do you still think about the days before we met
Before this all fell apart?
Before we were both alone?
I wanna know
Do you still think about the dreams?
Do you still think about the ghost?
Do you think the martyrs?
Do you think about the church?
Do you think about anything at all?
Can you hold a conversation?
Please let’s have a conversation
So please, tell me all about the first guy you ever kissed
Did he treat you right? Was he straight out of a fairy tale?
Was he what you expected? If you say yes
tell me what the hell happened?
How did we end up like this?
Was it nothing but a lie?
Was it all just a cruel joke?
Or was it something worse,
is there someone out to get you?
What if no one’s out to get you
and this is just the way things are?
This is the way things are and you’re alone
Tell me another story about your drunken father
and maybe someday soon I’ll tell you mine
and on the drive home you can tell me all about that doll
and why you never want to spend the night alone
Is there really nothing left?
Is this really all you’ve got?
You’re only 18 but you’re weighed down in a river – no way out
and I don’t think that anyone can save you
I wish I could save you,
you’re so thoughtful and I wish I was so thoughtful
I wish that I could do something more
than just write a shitty song about how things will never change
and your life sucks.
well honestly, my life sucks too.
and I know it’s hard to hear but this is all I can do
So let’s not mope about the past,
let’s not cling to stupid hope
Let’s not start a fight let’s care for something beautiful
Let’s make something beautiful and we can stay friends
after all of this falls apart the way I know that it will
You told me that you wanted to lose your virginity
on a heart-shaped bed
That didn’t happen. Are you sad?
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5. |
Are You Sorry?
03:41
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I’m not sorry for calling you at 3am
and I’m not sorry for refusing to hang up
and I’m not sorry for the messages I left
or the way I made you feel the next day
and I’m not sorry for asking you those questions
and I’m not sorry for refusing to answer
when you turned it all on me like the way you always do
I know I’m not good enough for you
and Ben I’m not sorry for stealing your guitar that night
and I’m not sorry that I never brought it back
and I’m not sorry for thinking to myself
your girlfriend should be with a better guy than you
She still can but she should know better than to listen to me
Tell me are you sorry for the times that you believed in me
and are you sorry for believing in a dream
and are you sorry for the afternoons we wasted
thinking that there would be something more than this?
and are you sorry for always being there for me?
and are you sorry that you waited when I left?
Are you sorry for all the happy memories
that you and I both knew would never last
Pete I’m not sorry for not reading your messages
I know that that’s a problem and I know that you were right
and I’m not sorry for cancelling that lunch date
It was forced and don’t think that I couldn’t tell
and I’m not sorry for lying to my parents
and I’m not sorry for pretending to sleep every night
every morning I’m in worse shape than you ever could know
so please don’t ask me about this
keep my secret, keep on living this beautiful lie
Tell me are you sorry for reading me those stories
and are you sorry for teaching me to dance?
and are you sorry for not paying attention
when I tried to open up to you – that was your only chance
and are you sorry for mixing me my first drink
and are you sorry for pretending to laugh?
are you sorry for the hangovers we shared
before we swore we would be different
Are you sorry that I wouldn’t meet your family?
and are you sorry that I wouldn’t go to church?
Are you sorry that I need all this attention
are you sorry that my body doesn’t work?
Are you sorry that I can’t finish my sentences
without some douchebag comment that I’m disguising as wit?
Are you sorry for letting me touch you there
and letting me get away with it?
Are you sorry for making up this fantasy
of twenty dogs and kids and sober living in a home
Are you sorry for living in the suburbs
and not having the guts to run away?
and I'm not sorry for ripping of Smith Street
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6. |
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7. |
First Step
04:47
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I think I’m fucked
I think I’m crazy
I think I’m too far gone
and I can’t wait to tell you how I went outside
and went back in today
Or how I wasted all those chances
cos I never realized it when you were standing right before me
And I need to grow up and get out of my head
I’m set up for success but I can’t wait to fail
You said the first step is always the hardest
and then things will get better
Then you smiled and asked me what I thought
and I said first step? You want to talk about a first step?
I can’t really think straight
and sometimes I get too caught up in dreaming
Like it was ever going to happen
that the world would accept one more sign
And make me tow the party line and whisper
Into the phone to tell you
That I think I’m being watched and I’m not sure if barricades will win
Why look to tomorrow when you can’t cope with today
If you had died 6 months ago there wouldn’t be a chance
for you to want to die now,
You’d be free and be remembered as a success
and you wouldn’t have to deal with the difficulties
of creating something you don’t want to make
You want to disappear
into a bed, a bag, and a bottle
I said Regret? You want to know what that looks like?
I’m not seeing double but it isn’t 3 o clock yet
And I wonder how long I can fake it
Before I get lost in the bathroom
and stumble to the front desk and throw up
And leave a reminder that this night is going on
and no pill’s going to stop me, much less you
Teacher, get me out of this death trap
Teach me about better things
and take away the bad thoughts
Ask me questions
Make me feel like I'm worthless
But keep me going every day
and what's the point in acting like I don't care?
Or like I hate the attention?
This is my everything
Without it I'm a man without a dream.
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8. |
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I want freedom not a boss that comes in a 40 oz bottle of anything
or taped scotch paper I eat junk food and steal from my friends
and don’t trust in the federal government to solve my problems
You might think I’m joking but fuck Bernie Sanders
Call me when your president pulls out of Afghanistan
cos that’s the day I’ll get a cellphone number
and you can call and leave a message on voicemail that day
and I look at myself and I look at my friends
and think what the hell happened we used to be so strong
but now there's a gap made by years of abuse
and I know we can't fix this and why would I want to?
I don't understand why the same guilty pleasures
keep making themselves known stay under the surface
and just let me focus on something important
Don't tear my heart open and leave me to question again
And can somebody tell me why something’s still missing
just tell me, I’ll listen - I don’t want to argue
You told me that this would be simple but now there’s a hole in my brain
and I can’t figure out what the first step would be
for me to set myself straight
and stop living this daydream I need your attention
to carry me through and lay me down softly
to bed and just tell me that everything’s gonna be fine
I fell asleep smoking so i’d wake up on fire
Cos that might get me out of bed for a while
and back into battle with the things that I breathe
like the pain in my knees and the way that I feel
and if freedom means doing what I want well that means
I gotta know what that is not just what it isn’t
so I’ll put on some porn and I’ll smoke up some trees
cos the world needs more pleasure
not more whiny fuckers like me
I got what I wanted but I have to tell you
that nothing is simple I have no excuses
You know I’m a liar and you know what I think
and if this is a nightmare then I’ll let you wake up
I’ll find me a bottle and drink myself stupid
I’ll yell at your friends and I’ll tell you I love you
and then you will know that you made the right choice
and Randy will smile as he tells me that nothing has changed
We're all compost in training
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9. |
Bury Me in Beer
06:06
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Rose wine I’ve been waiting such a long time
I can’t think about the bad dreams and I need an excuse
Hold me. Release the pressure and just
and lay me down to sleep
First dance walk me through this awkward romance
Tell me that I’m the one – hold me
I think I love but there’s no way I can thinking of giving
up give me one last night of feeling something more than this
Let me free and don’t worry about the things I’ve said to you
Nothing will change the way I feel just let me have this
give me one last kiss goodnight
and bury me in beer. put the bottle to my lips
Tell me that this is okay, that you’ll never run away and no one will care
Let the toilets overflow. Give me forties in the park.
Let my stomach fill and purge, let my throat feel the burn
Let me make my mistakes
Living an anti-life. Sweating in freezing cold
There are no easy answers here but this is something you can’t know
I won’t be held responsible for secrets that I never had
and you’ll be doing just fine when the spotlight turns on you instead
I don’t think there’s an easy way to fix this trouble that I’m in
and don’t think you will have a role to play in this shitty tragedy
There won’t be any scene direction, this is how it’ll be
You don’t deserve to be paired alongside
someone who’s as dead as me
give me one last kiss and tell me there’s no way you’ll let me go
Look me in the eyes and say I am a person you can trust
Pretend that I’m special give me the self-satisfaction
of knowing that I have an excuse give me one more night
and bury me in beer
My dear listen closely to the words I sing
Pay attention because I need you right now more than I could tell
But don’t worry because I won’t walk away from you this time
This will be the first day of my new life
I’m going to make you proud
please forgive me for the times I lied and hurt my family and you more than myself
Give me one last kiss goodnight
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10. |
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Nisan Farber Minneapolis, Minnesota
Punk musician/songwriter from Minneapolis, MN.
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